F.E.A.R.
She came to me in a dream two days before I saw her face on my friend's FB page, she told me she was waiting for me and to hurry up and come get her. I recognized her instantly and dropped everything to go get her, it was my birthday, she is the best gift the universe has ever sent me :)
I can remember the moment so clearly, as if it were just a second ago. I was driving up the mountain, windows down, music loud, singing along, Butters giant head resting on my shoulder, his soft excited pant moistening the side of face. The feeling found me like a freight train, slamming into my heart, terror. I had to pull over the car for a moment. I'd never felt fear like this before.
It's difficult to put words to that moment, it was like in an instant I was aware that I was living the very most perfect moment, I saw and felt the beauty of life to such a deep level, that I didn't know until that day, perfect joy. I was moved to tears by the blue of the sky. Every single thing was just as perfect as it could be in that moment. I was happy, purely, truly, completely. And oddly, that absolutely unhinged me, sent a terror all the way thru my body from head to toe. For the very first time in many years, all the ones that I could recall, I cared whether or not I lived or died. I finally had a life I never wanted to loose.
Our very first day and hike together. She needed my help to cover the miles with her tiny little legs, at first she struggled when I carried her, pouted when I set her down and walked away, then had the realization that she needed my help, slurped my chin and we've been a team in every way ever since.
I came up hard in the world. I never was afraid of monsters hiding under the bed, they walked thru the front door. My life had always been about survival and just trying to find a good enough reason not to jump off that bridge, and for most of those years, it was the panting breath of the dogs sitting at my feet that kept me breathing. Many times I sat there, feet dangling, wanting so bad to end the pain, but my fears over what would become of my four legged friends stopped me.
I spent most of my teen years and twenties deeply depressed and suicidal. The scars I carried were not visible to most, but they took all I had to walk on with. I found love, fought the deep demons that made it so hard to allow access to my heart, and clawed my way to a happy life. And when it dawned on me, that I was here, I was happy, I was loved, I was surrounded by good things, I suddenly cared and it terrified me. It was the oddest feeling to feel it seep in and wrap around all my insides.
My angels, protectors and greatest teachers of all. I would not know love, I would not be here if it were not for the companionship of dogs.
It's a magical thing, the way things work in my life. All those years ago, it was dogs that saved me, by giving me love, companionship and the only reason not to die. And to this day they continue to save me. I swear that each dog has come to me with this amazing lesson and mystery to unravel with them, that ultimately is a lesson I have had to learn to grow and evolve thru these challenges that start to life left me with. Butters, the golden pictured above, helped me face true anger and rage. He taught me to accept that dark part of myself, to understand it, to get control of it and to ultimately turn it into a strength. Seriously, don't mess with anyone Butters or I love, or you will know true fury;)
Miss Emily, she has only one hitch, she is the perfect dog, truly, intelligent beyond belief. She had thruhikers absolutely astounded at her ability to find "the" correct pinecone in a field of pinecones. Even when they buried it, threw ten at once, she would always find "the" one. Her ability to focus and sort things out is amazing. She is one of those dogs you have to spell words around if you want to avoid her excited anticipation. But, her one thing, fear. It's not a classic presentation, she loves people, but needs a moment to decide if she wants to know them or not, when she decides to let them in she loves them, hmmm, sounds familiar;) She is not afraid of fireworks, other dogs or any of the classic triggers.
I became an ultra marathon runner because many years ago I asked myself ~ what is the one thing you could never be and the answer that came was, a runner. I set out to face my fears of failure and perhaps prove myself wrong. The very first race I ran was a relay race that saw me getting into a van with 5 guys I didn't know for 36 hours deep in the back country roads. I amazed myself that I did that, as a sexual assault survivor it was crazy hard to step into that van facing the scariest predator of all, Man. I came away 36 hours later, a legit long distance runner with 5 new amazing friends.
No, she's not afraid of any of the usual things, she is afraid of things she does not understand, once she does the fear evaporates. When she was young and learning agility (obstacle course racing for dogs) the first time she knocked a bar of a jump she stopped and slunk away, scowling at me in horror as if the thing tried to take one of her legs off. It took several days to convince her to try again and once she did, she was the queen of jumping and basically never drops a bar. She is no fan of small children, not so much that I would worry as her choice is always to move away, but she looks at them in disgust as they mill about and squeal in ways adults do not, she cannot figure them out. When she learns the child knows how to throw a ball, they are best friends and she will follow them right off the edge of the Earth.
In her service dog training for her Public Access Test at first when in busy urban places she would find the oddest things a concern, cars backfiring right next to her totally fine but the way that one door hissed when opened behind her - wtf was that!!!!!!! Skateboards roaring down the sidewalk right next to her, no worries, the beep beep beep take your card out of the ATM machine noise holy hell people is that a bomb about to explode? Sitting at a restaurant a dropped tray with glasses and plates exploding, not my concern, guy walking by wearing spiked biking shoes, OMG what is wrong with his feet?!?!?!
Her fear responses are also not like many dogs I have worked with, she does not loose her mind, she does not become aggressive or dangerous, she just needs a minute or a bit of space to step back and try and sort it all out, if she can, boom fear disappears and that is now an ok thing in her life. If she can't sort it out, if it's ok with you can we just get out of here. She is very reasonable and responsive, she just lets you know she'd rather not, and if told sorry you must, she will lie down and take it.
Every time we climb this summit I am eternally grateful for her level headed caution that resides in the place fear carved out. Caution equals intelligence in these sorts of places.
Mostly her fears are a positive thing. They make her a VERY safe dog to climb mountains with, she is acutely aware of her surroundings and moves with mindful steps in technical places. They make her very easy to hike with, if she sees something that concerns her, she simply returns and walks behind me until I show her it is a-ok, or she arcs around the person or thing in question. I never need worry she is going to jump on someone or startle them or assert herself in anyway. It makes her a very sensitive thoughtful little dog, so long as she is given time and opportunity to sort things out for herself.
I will admit that there are areas of her socialization and acclimation that I could have done better when she was younger that I had to go back and work on so she could pass her public access test, like busy urban environments. But that is simply because we just don't like hanging in those places and much prefer to be in the wilderness. But honestly working thru her fears, has been a gift because it has helped me to think about my own and how I can help myself work thru my fears.
Learning how to sleep alone, in a tent, deep in the wilderness we share with bears and mountain lions stuffing away those images of claws ripping thru the tent wall, the first few times waking with every sound my hands clutching my much too big and heavy for backpacking knife. Not much sleep the first few times, but the joy of awaking and experiencing these places far away from roads has long eroded those fears.
It has helped me to separate the ways fear is a good thing and makes me a better person. I used to be a much more detached person, not afraid of much, and have realized the ways being vulnerable and afraid to loose someone makes me a much better more caring friend and lover. I have become a far more cautious person, thinking twice about the situations I put myself in, keeping myself fully present and focused while putting my life on the line in my adventurous pursuits. Being safe and aware is a good thing in the places I put myself in often.
However, helping her has also made me aware of the places and times the fear does not serve me. When I see her have a moment where she is on edge, I can see how it muddles her thinking, how maybe she would like to flee from something that is not a real danger at all, like a funny squeak of a door, that she might fear more than the moving traffic in that split second. We had a wicked bad storm a couple years ago, that knocked down a dozen trees in town, that had tornado/hurricane level winds that shook our giant potentially house smooshing tree ferociously and I was seriously about to grab my dogs, run out the back door and just keep running.
Luckily my husband talked sense into me and reminded me that our house was the safest place to be in that moment, that it gave us a better chance of survival than facing falling trees and debris with only our skin, that we could not outrun this storm. He sat me in the giant cast iron tub, with all three of my dogs, had ready a mattress to cover us with and promised to keep us all safe. The storm passed, our house survived, our tree stood tall, the other fallen trees, thrown debris and downed power lines proved him right, outside our home was no safe haven. He showed me what fear used as purposeful action over panic looked like. That moment reminds me off both sides of fear, I can understand Emily's moments of animal instinct that just say RUN, and the calm level headed approach to let's see how to best approach this situation.
I recall his calm, but commanding presence, NO you are NOT fucking going outside, I will keep you safe, and how that strong response allowed me to let go and leave it in his hands. Not that I tell Em in such words, but I am sure that when she looks up the leash there is always a calm certain strong partner who promises her she is safe. It reminds me when I am out in the world facing my own fears, to think and determine the safest action rather than just follow the RUN animal instinct.
As I stood at the top of the mountain we had just climbed, holding my sled, thinking to myself you have got to be fucking kidding me, fear wrapped around my guts, I am going to fucking die, as I watched the last of our party depart in front me laughing as they jetted away in what looked like complete chaos. It was complete and utter chaos, but it was the most amazing and funnest mountain descent I've ever done, some risks are worth taking.
Like Emily my fears are mostly a good thing, they are in place to remind me to be sensitive, to care, to not take things for granted, to look carefully before taking those steps on those rocks along the ridge that drops to away to death, to measure risk vs reward, to be sensible and smart. Like Emily when I understand something and know how to step carefully the fear evaporates. Things I understand and can control that old fear becomes a great place of strength. Like Emily I have moments where I need someone to ground me and tell me it's going to be ok, like lightning storms and airplanes ;)
I'll take it. The fear. I far prefer this newer version of Dawn, that cares enough to be afraid to lose it all. It's taking work to sort out how to be this person who's life is best lived racing and climbing along the edge, who is petrified of falling off that edge. My husband laughs at me sometimes, like as I stand at the bottom of a rock face, all roped in, ready to climb, shaking in fear, "why do you do this to yourself?" he laughs as he hugs and consoles me "you could find less terrifying hobbies". I look at my dear friend and mentor on the ropes, who's hands I am about to literally put my life into, take a deep breath and say "because I want to live, really live, not just live a safe life that is just about existing and carefully not dying and I also really really want to not die, so my body shakes, but I won't let the fear shake me off of things I know I can do, I know he has me and won't let me fall, I just need a moment to convince my flight brain to shut up and buck up, and I think maybe I also might be a masochist."
I was wrong when I thought I could never be a runner and I have a wall full of ultra marathon finisher medals to prove it anytime the fear monster starts telling me what I can't do.
Life is about living, not just not dying. And I refuse to let my fears stop me from really living. I have faced them down and gone on to accomplish some amazing feats I never thought possible. And I have also walked away, turned around, run for cover when my clear thinking brain has advised me as such. I am slowly but surely learning to trust myself to know when it's safe to push on and tell the shakes to sit down and shut up, and when to tell the doer and the pusher to settle down and leave it for another day.
When I ran my first ultra marathon, I experienced this amazing thing. As I ran my mind revolted, it told me I was crazy, it told me I was stupid, it told me I couldn't do it, it told me I would hurt myself, it told me so many awful scary things, but I ran on anyway and as the miles peeled away it happened I saw that voice for what it is, realized sometimes it lies and that I am NOT that voice, that was a life changing revelation, that the whining complaining doubting judging voice is not me, that *I* am the one listening and deciding. That voice was wrong, I did it and I fucking crushed it and I became the thing I had once believed I could never be, my short little legs, my middle aged tired beat up body, my thick quarter horse and not thoroughbred style clunky body is capable of being whatever I want it to be and now it is that of a ultra marathon runner and also a mountaineer, rock climber, backpacker and future thruhiker.
Emily has also realized (I think) that sometimes she has to just take a breath, lay down and trust me when I say it's all ok, so that she gets to live a life that means she is always at my side even when doors squeak and machines beep. It's not easy to rise above one's fears, but it is possible and the doors in ones life that open when you do move thru those fears instead of running from them or letting them paralyze you is a life worth risking for. It's a funny paradox, the more I face the fears, the better life gets and the better life gets the more I fear losing it, which creates more fear that I have to fight thru to keep making life better and scarier to face losing.